The feeling of pain and embarrassment for the things I have done
Haunt me into the navy blue nights,
Where you can’t see the stars,
It looks empty out there and you wish,
That inside your chest, it felt empty too.
If only for a bit.
These are the times where people tell you,
To think about the positive moments, and don’t dwell on the bad.
But that feels so pretentious and fake.
It feels like splitting a pot
In poker. You are glad that more wasn’t taken,
And the entire affair sounds meaningless.
Because you want to feel that sting, that pain.
You want to remember it.
You want to cherish it and make it familiar, and carry it day in and day out.
The pain and the worry reminds you of who you always thought you were.
Who they always told you that you were.
So you thank them and nod or you just say nothing.