Fear at 3 AM

I awake to a scratchy throat and empty lungs until I gather myself and stare into the blackness. 

There is no one around but I can hear the voices of the past thumping against my eardrum and I roll to one side and reach for my phone but don’t pick it up.

The walk to the commode is long, but the floor is still clean and the light doesn’t hurt my eyes this time. 

I sit and hold my head and tears come after a couple of minutes. Then the breath returns and life seems normal but I know it’s just bearable. 

I think of you then and wish that the calm would return like it used to but it doesn’t anymore and I finish up and wash myself and limp back to bed; 

And this time I turn away from the phone and I dry my tears on the pillow and wait for sleep that doesn’t come.

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